Something is changing

and I don't know what.

But it's something Big. and Good.

And I like it.

But it makes me feel nervous.

Because I know it's so big and good and I think

I don't deserve it
It won't last
I'll mess it up
Waste it
Let the world beat it out of me
Take it for granted in a week or two


But then I just want to go outside and run and dance and yell and invite people to participate in whatever is happening to me.

Honestly, I think this is what happiness peace is like.

Add caption

I haven't showered or changed after my run, my face is red because of the lighting and because I have a red face. I took this using my brother's webcam, and I didn't analyze the usual things I find wrong with my pictures. I just took the picture, and I like it. It's me smiling.

I'm at college. And that's pretty cool.

Hey guys!
I'm back! Sorry for the random little intermission in my blog posting. My last post was in November (um. Almost a year ago. Huh.) and my life got a little complicated after that.

I'm at college.

That's pretty cool. I like it. I'd post a picture, but it's actually kind of hard to find a picture that defines it.

From this picture, you see that I'm at BYUI
And it snows.

I've been in Rexburg for almost a month, but I finally moved into my apartment last night. I live with 5 other girls (crazy) and it's always loud. There are three freshmen (including me) and it's nice to finally not be the youngest person. I will add more info about my roommates later. When I know them a little more. 

I've spent a lot of time wandering around Rexburg lately, so I am familiar with the town. It's really nice here. Little and full of cute little places perfect for college students. Thrift stores, dollar stores, student discounts... This is what I like about here.

And. 
This.

Not great quality, but the beauty of the
building makes up for it.

I can see the temple from almost anywhere in town. It's at the top of the only hill and they keep it lit up so bright that it looks like a bit of sunlight even in the middle of the night.

I love it.

I have church in a building on campus. I'm a member of the 71st ward and we meet at 1:50. Yup. I have church from 1:50 to 4:50 in the afternoon. That seems crazy late to me but I know We'll all going to sleep in anyway. And probably be late.




It's 10:30. And I'm exhausted. 'night loves.

My Body is Beautiful

And it's time for me to start treating it that way.

I'm tired of comparing myself to other people. I'm tired of looking down at my body and sideways at other's and hating both of us. Me, for not being as pretty as they are, and them, for being prettier than I. Well, that's not very nice, now is it?

So I quit. This is my Mid-July resolution to see my body for what it really is, a beautiful, capable house for my soul. I'm done thinking I'm worth less than skinnier people, and I'm done wishing I like someone else.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but everyone has fat.

There's something wrong if you don't have fat on your body. No kidding, go to a doctor.

All people have fat on their bodies. It cushions you and stuff like that. (can you tell I know what I'm talking about?) Of course some people have more/less than others. Duh. The problem is when there's too much of it to be healthy. I have more fat on my body than is healthy. Does this make me less of a person (nah...kind of the opposite...lol) or not worth respect?

I want to be healthy and happy. I believe healthy comes first. I am trying to eat healthier, exercise more, plan and prioritize my life. I am trying to find balance.

Every month I want to make some small but meaningful and long lasting change. My goal is not to lose weight. It's not to build muscle, or clear my complexion.

My goal is to develop healthy friendships. Be able to run away from an attacker. Smile easily when I look in the mirror. My goal is to be able to have the style I want because I can find clothes that are both the type I want and in my size. My goal is to stop being sarcastic, critical, and self deprecating. My goal is to find happiness through service. To rebuild my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

happy. beautiful.
so are you.

What are your mid July goals?

Too exhausted to think of a title

Hello! Let me tell you about Halloween.

In a word: it was great. Our school let us put on a haunted house for the students. They trusted us with their ELA time, ensuring every kid would get a chance to go through. It was a huge behavior initiative, and was wonderful because we got a chance to do something for these students that was just for their entertainment. It was just for them to have fun and be kids.

The haunted house was amazing. We used the extra City Year room, a normal classroom sized space, and turned it into a maze with the scariest things lurking around corners. We created floor to ceiling walls out of garbage bags, and hung danger signs. We dressed up (woah – City Year not in uniform! Too scary!) and put paint on our faces. We looked dead. It was all very slasher horror film.

The students arrived with their English classes. Lined up outside, we fed them a tale of mad scientists, experiments gone wrong, and abandoned hospitals.

Opening Day, Building a Playground, General Conference, and Perspective

Opening Day
The official presenting of City Year Sacramento to the City of Sacramento, and pretty much everyone. It started with mingling. Lots and lots of mingling. Holy moly. How squishy. (squishy is CY speak for 'out of comfort zone. I don't think I even have a comfort zone anymore). After a while, all the City Year corps members hid behind a bush, waited for the music, jumped out singing and dancing and all sorts of partying and ran to our spots. Mine happened to be on stage. Why? Because I was about to sing the national anthem with these folks.

Yes, this is rehearsal.
 Also, no, I didn't forget the words to The Star Spangled Banner.

I think it went well. Regardless of the fact that we were out of breath on account of having just sprinted to the front of the crowd. Four years ago, in Concert Choir as a scared Freshman, I never would have had the guts to do this. But I was only 14, the age of some of the students I'm working with now. Today, I thought this opportunity was a privilege. A privilege that made me so nervous I almost got sick (at least I didn't pass out like last time I sang in front of people), but still a really exciting privilege. After we sang, we all got to sit down. We listened to many inspiring speeches. Unfortunately, I am really not one to listen to speeches and get much out of them. I need a pen and some paper, at the very least. Preferably a study sheet and discussion. Anyway, the speeches really were great. Sweltering in the bombers (city year jackets) in the sun for an hour wasn't so great.

Also, I got a hug, kiss, and picture from this man, Mayor Kevin Johnson. He's a champion.

Building a Playground
On Saturday I built a playground. It was kind of epic. Also exhausting. There were some 125 volunteers there. And we built a playground.

Kaboom! is a nonprofit that recognizes the need for children to have a safe place to play. Their goal is to build enough playgrounds so that everyone in America is within walking distance of a safe place to play, or a playground. They were partnered with PG&E and The Salvation Army on Saturday.

Thanks to my teammate, Sayfoon, for this pic.

So many people, all working all day to build a playground.

General Conference
Was great, I'm sure. I only saw one session. Color me inactive.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I haven't missed a day of church since moving to Sacramento. Saturday I spent a whole day building a playground so sue me. (yes, I recognize I'm getting too defensive about this. Which is probably a sign. or something.) Sunday I only had Internet access at the local Starbucks, and my neck was stiff. So I only watched one.


Perspective
They say the first thing to go when you join City Year is sleep, and that is most certainly true. The second is perspective. Also true. Please have patience with me as I try to get it back.
Homesickness
I'm homesick. I believe as an 18 year 2 month 3 day old who just moved out of her parents' house and into the most stressful situation of her life (thus far), I am entitled to be homesick. You know what they say about entitlement... :P


Food
I am having so much fun cooking for myself. I never want to go back to eating other people's cooking. I eat a lot of beans and rice and spinach and potatoes and vegetables. I have had meat three times in two weeks. That seems like I'm hitting the 'sparingly' part of the Word Of Wisdom. I want fruit. And tofu. and a slow cooker. and a freaking spatula.


I don't know whether or not to go to college next year. It's either some university, or an LDS Mission. I'm leaning towards being a missionary, because I've wanted to go on a mission forever. But also because that means I won't have to apply to colleges.

And I hate college entrance essays. With a passion. I passionately hate college essays.


Ok, best moments:
That really awesome kid, who I care about sooooo much, and who also is the one who has spent the last few weeks very much hating me and all other City Year Corps members he has to deal with, finally said something not terrible to me. It was a sweet moment.

Also, I got a letter from a student. So I broke out my stationary and wrote her one back. :)

I worked with very specific students on their math. I feel purposeful.

I got a hug. And a long conversation, that helped a lot when I was having a hard time.

I have a new responsibility, monitoring the hallways during the afterschool homework class. All the students who aren't in class (for different reasons, the main ones being behavior issues) can come out with me. We run through multiplication tables, or read from a novel, and then we talk. I try to make it fun, so they work with me, but still effective and efficient use of learning time. I get to strengthen relationships with students I haven't had the chance to get to know yet. It's nice.

The joy of non-verbal communication: A student wants to get my attention, so they raise their hand, catch my eye, and motion me over. The teachers only get the hand raise. I get a little finger thing. When I want to get a student's attention, I just stare at them for a bit. Usually, when students are misbehaving, they glance at the teachers every few seconds, to see if they've been caught. When they look up at me, as they always do, I gesture at them to write/read/stop talking with a combination of complicated hand movements and facial expressions. I'm always pleasantly surprised that it works so well.

A kid handed me a permission slip. I'm a teacher in his class, so now I get to do teacher type things. Like collect late work. For some reason, this pleases me.

I am starting to see the sweetness and innocence in every child, not just the well-behaved kids. I'm reminded often that there are no bad kids, just bad choices. These kids are so good. I adore them. Every child in this school is still a child. Yes, they're dealing with stuff I can't imagine. But they are still sweet children.

I don't get asked about the bathroom anymore. That is strictly real teacher's job. YES!

I feel like I'm forgetting a hundred best moments. I need to write them down!

Ok, see you next week. Maybe.
I am having a hard time finding time/energy to write in this blog.

Treading Softly in Timberlands

It's 10:00 Sunday night. I've been packing the last 5 or 6 hours, and I'm finally done. I leave for school tomorrow at 6:05, and stay until 6:00. Then I ride home, finish the tiny last minute things, and move out at 7:30.

I love you. I miss you.
I'm sorry I forgot to post last week. I wasn't going to post this week either, but then I decided I couldn't call myself a blogger if I don't post when I say I would.
Here is the post I started last week.

City Year is...

Weeks 1 and 2 In School...also, I need to figure out what I write about in this blog.

My idea of keeping a blog was that people would be able to read it as their post church activity. You know, not have to wait until midnight to read it. Hmm.

Well, I'm doing great. Also, I'm convinced that I'm the favorite kid because I am the most exciting to talk about. Lol, mostly I'm just homesick.

But that's ok. It's not the debilitating homesickness that I thought I'd go through, it's the 'I haven't been touched in 4 days and I miss the mandatory after family prayer hugs'. It's the 'I discovered amazing friends just before I moved, how fair is that?' and also the 'I miss my dogs!!!' (That's for you, Emily and Wendy).

Truly, I'm happier than I ever have been in my life. The service I'm providing in is amazing. The people I serve with are equally amazing. The students. I care about them so much. It's crazy, I just met them two weeks ago, when school started. But I know already how much potential they have. How much worth.

I posted on Facebook a few days ago this statement : “A student was shocked today when I told him that I moved away from my family right out of high school all the way to California just to volunteer with City Year. He said "It wasn't worth it. You made a dumb choice."

My goodness, how he's wrong.
I think this is worth every bit.”

It got 16 likes. That's 15 more than my average. :)

I have been getting to know these students only two weeks, but I know a lot about them. They are desperate for someone to listen. To know about their lives. To care about them, and not only about their test scores.

Now, I know that the teachers here are amazing. I'll talk about them in a bit. I know the staff here are great, and they care about the whole child, not just the test scores.

But I am in a great position to get to know these kids in a way these teachers don't get to. To the students, teachers live at school. They're not really people, just teachers. That sounded kind of harsh, but really, think about when you were in school. How much did you know about your teacher's not school life?

These kids are fascinated with the fact that I am the youngest person on my team. Probably mostly because I look 5 or 6 years older than I really am. I am not offended. :P

They love that I ride my bike everywhere. They love that I don't know where to go to college next year, which kind of surprised me. Now it kind of makes sense. No, I don't have my whole life figured out, but I'm working on it. I'm excited to share my college application process with these students. I hope it will make their future more real and possible to them.

(I forgot to write about how really truly awesome the teachers are, but it's almost 10:30 and I wanted to be in bed sleeping 1.5 hours ago. So this is where I would put that paragraph, but it's going to have to wait.)

Here's an example of my day:

5:30 Turn off the alarm.

5:39 Turn off the alarm again. Fall out of bed. Get ready to go.

6:00 Remember you're supposed to eat breakfast. Not to be healthy, but because when you try to convince your students to eat breakfast because it's healthy, you can't be a hypocrite.

6:03 Finish whatever pathetic breakfast you scavenged.

6:05, :06, :08 and :09, run back into the house to grab things you forgot.

6:10 actually leave your house, ride bike 1 hour.

7:20 Arrive at school 10 minutes early. YES! (I despise being late)

7:30 First circle begins. Our team meets in circles so we can see everyone, and have a natural order for things. We do first circles in front of the school. It's great because it keeps us accountable for being on time (it's hard to sneak into a circle), the kids see us, we get our announcements, and get to say goodmorning to everyone.

7:45 Leave first circle (after an epic spirit break) and drop our stuff off in the City Year Room. Yes, we're cool enough to get a room. We're spoiled, I know. Go socialize with kids. Try to learn names. Fail miserably. Keep trying.

7:55 Get schedule from PM or TL (have I mentioned that CY likes acronyms just as much as LDS people do? PM=Project Manager, TL=Team Leader, CY=City Year, LDS=Latter-Day Saint (Yes, Mormons)). Go to first class. We're observing for now, but I'm fairly certain we get our permanent teachers soonish.

9:00 go to second class.

10:00 Prep the Pride Store. I am one half of a two person committee getting the store ready. It opens Monday the 17^th. Oh goodness, that's tomorrow. The Pride Store is an integral part of the school wide incentive program. Students earn pride bucks for completing work, being on best behavior, participating in the lesson, etc. They then get to spend their pride bucks at the store on trinkets and school supplies.

11:00 Go to class. I don't remember when lunch is.

Noon: go to student lunch. More socializing, more pathetic attempts to learn names. I'm getting better, but slowly, because now my grace period is over, and the students are telling my their names are wrong just to confuse me. It works.

1:00 My lunch. Eat lunch, sleep discreetly, make calls to my ornery bank...usual stuff. I'm not supposed to work. Sometimes I do anyway.

2:00 school's out. But I missed a period in there somewhere. I know the bell schedule isn't on the hour, but I didn't think it was that off. Whatever. There should be 6 periods and a lunch.

2:05 After school program starts. Students get a snack in the cafeteria, I get a break.

2:30 Students make their way to their classrooms for homework hour. For the next hour, I tutor some kids, get to know others, and the rest, I peel off the ceiling. JK, no one has found their way onto the ceiling. Some got onto the roof though.

3:30 to 6ish I get to play with kids outside, get to know them, keep them off the roof, no big deal.

6:00 Final circle. Announcements, then personal joys, appreciations, and announcements around the circle, every person signaling the end of their speaking by saying Good night to the group.

6:15 End on a Spirit Break.

6:20 Leave school on bike, pedaling much slower on account of being exhausted.

7:20 Get home. Drink three gallons of water, eat a ridiculous amount of not very healthy food, and then sleep for ever/until 5:30 the next morning.

Errrrday.

Love it.

Some of my best moments:

• Real, actual tutoring. We worked on states and their capitals. I'm remembering the game my parents played with me, and wish I had it here, to play with the students.
• Getting a letter from a student. While it's great that these kids trust City Year already, my heart still hurts a little. I will keep the letter forever. I also look forward to receiving a response to the letter I wrote back.
• Going jogging with a group of kids. This is great because one of the kids had not wanted to participate in the mandatory physical activity, but then was super excited to jog with me. Also great because I had enough stamina to keep jogging. This is an accomplishment, probably as a result of riding a bike at least two hours every day.
• Admitting to myself that I will need help. I am not a math student, and it was awkward for me to tutor someone in math. This doesn't seem like a thing that would warrant a mention on a list of good things, but I think the fact that I can admit this, and ask for help (my friend, Heidi, has been an awesome help. She taught me to do long division over a powerpoint via email) makes me confident in my ability to get squishy.
• I said to my group of students in after school one day that if they would tell me, with a straight face, that they were going to graduate high school and college, then I would let them mess about for the rest of homework hour. No one could. Not because they didn't feel confident in their ability to have a glorious future, but because everytime they got close, I would make a funny face, and they would break down into giggles.
• This one is interesting. It is not a best moment for a teammate, but it is for me. I feel somewhat odd including it. There was a particularly rowdy group of boys in homework hour one day, and my teammate was having a hard time dealing with them. They had insulted him, and were being all sorts of disrespectful. My teammate took some time, and while he was gone, I sat a little closer to the boys. They all turned their attentions on me, and started to wear me down with whatever preteen boy shenanigans. Somehow I got them to explain football to me (yah  right) and all of a sudden they were invested in an information sharing conversation? Woah. Surprise, Amy, you actually can deal with things.
• I got a hug and information: humans need 8-10 meaningful touches a day to be mentally and physically healthy. New goal? Probably not. But interesting nonetheless.

Signing off (and mentally preparing myself for another awesome and exhausting week), 

Amy Barton

Corps Member

City Year Sacramento

PS I told Heidi that I was going to be in bed by 9, but more likely 10 because I still had to write this blog. Look who's still writing at 10:09? Me. pooh.

PSS My Relief Society lesson went really well. BTW, kid from my past who said I would go crazy when I moved out of my parents' and never go to church again, I totally just taught Relief Society. Take that.

PSSS To my readers, I love you. But leave a comment to prove you where here. :)

Kay thanks goodnight.

PSSSS I will post pictures sometime this week. Goal.

Someone should explain to me how a postscript works.